Conflict Resolution - The shoelaces fight

This past weekend I learnt a huge lesson in conflict resolution - never tell a guy he is wrong when he is mad, especially if you know that the best result of the conflict is a resolution and not justice or decision.

People close to me tell me that I am one who is always ready to pick a fight, and one who will go to a significant extent to justify that he is right. Well, maybe that is true. Maybe at some subconscious level, it is basic human nature. No one likes to admit they are wrong when they are convinced that they are not, and only the most level-headed people can see the big picture when they are in the middle of a conflict.

Well, this time, I didn't pick a fight. I was not right, nor wrong, and I did not justify my stand. However, I was in a position to resolve the conflict because that was the best possible outcome. And I failed there, because instead of appeasing the warring parties, I pointed out that one of them were wrong. All then everything went haywire. It doesn't matter, in retrospect, that one party was wrong. The ultimate victims of this conflict did not deserve to be the victims – innocent seven and eight year olds trying to play a soccer game. The whole thing seems so comical and silly now, that probably all the involved parties, as well as the spectators, are as guilt-ridden about the outcome as I am.

Here is how the drama unfolded. It was the 3rd quarter of a U-8 boys soccer game, middle of third quarter, my son's team - The Terminators - trailing by 4 goals to The Scorpions, one more quarter to go after this. I was the referee for this quarter, and was trying my best to be neutral. We got a goal kick, and one of the kids kicked off. Just before that goal kick, when the ball was still out of bounds, I noticed that one of the Scorpions had their laces undone. I walked up to him and told him to do his laces. I didn't look back to see if he did or not. As it turned out later, he didn't. The goal kick was taken and the play was on, the kids scrapping for the ball. About 30 seconds into the play, I hear the coaches of the two teams yelling at each other, from the opposite sidelines across the field, the Terminators' coach telling the Scorpions' to relax and enjoy the game and not make it a battle, or something to that effect. And then the Scorpions' coach blew a whistle from the sidelines and the game stopped. The kids on the ground are coached to respond to the whistle (Pavlovian as it may sound) but they are not rule-savvy enough to know whose whistle they should respond to. So everyone stopped playing. The Terminators coach was pointing out heatedly that the Scorpion's coach should wait for the play to be over, and should not interrupt the game or yell at the referee, which apparently they were doing. The Scorpions, in turn, explained to me that they were trying to get my attention so that the Scorpions player could do his laces, hence the yelling, and then the whistle.

I was focused on getting the game going as quickly as possible. So I let the Scorpions' player do his laces, with the help of a helpful parent, and then asked for the play to be started at the goal kick. With that out of the way, I asked the players to restart the play at the goal kick. I still cannot fathom what the problem with that decision was, since I was sacrificing at least 15 yards advantage for the Terminators and restarting the play at their goal, but my decision provoked the Scorpions' coach enough to out to the Terminators' coach saying that the referee's decision was a clear sign of frustration and that he should tell the referee to relax a bit. The Terminator's coach responded with something I did not hear clearly and cannot reconstruct now.

This is where I committed by first mistake. I should have realized that the guy was clearly agitated, and was just trying to get into a verbal volley to justify his disruptive move and save face, or he just believed that he did the right thing by stopping the game for his player to do his laces. I should have ignored his jibe and concentrated on the game. What I did however was I told the Scorpions' coach that he was wrong in interrupting the game and that he should have either done it before the play started, or after that play was over and the ball was out of bounds. I did not get mad, I did not yell. I just did what I thought a referee should be explaining to coaches on the sidelines that disrupted the game. I did it in a clear, authoritative voice, like I have seen referees in international games do in such a situation. It felt right at that time, and was clearly proved wrong by the outcome. This was neither an international game, nor was I a qualified international referee. Nor was the coach an international coach, and neither he nor the team was required to adhere to any FIFA rules. So he called his team off, and decided not to play anymore.

This is where I committed by second mistake. I should have, in retrospect, walked to the Scorpions' coach and requested him to not withdraw from the game, because it was not about the ego of the grown-ups, it was about the kids who deserved the game, and the parents who adjust their busy schedules to bring the kids to the games. However, what I did was - nothing. I did nothing at all. Having seen my first interference in the conflict resulting in a disaster, I stayed quiet and let the events take their course. Everybody walked off, the parents and coach in our team telling their kids that it was not their fault, and they will have a great game next Saturday. I did not see what was going on in the Scorpions' camp, but I imagine it would have been a very similar scene.

Who suffered? The people involved in the verbal battle, for sure, are feeling guilty now, or will feel guilty as soon as their anger subsides. I am feeling and acting all guilty, at having been part of a charade that robbed small kids of a soccer game. The kids suffered the most, having seen their parents act like pouting toddlers and having to go home unsatisfied and unfulfilled and confused.

And so, the lesson I learned - if you want a quick resolution to a conflict, do not tell a guy he is wrong when he is mad, even if he is wrong. Let his anger play out, humor him, and he will see things more clearly when his anger subsides. I will try to keep this in mind for all conflict situations going forward, and maybe I will get to write another story where I succeed in resolving a conflict using this approach.