So this weekend, I finally decided to get an automated carwash at a 76 gas station, after my car dealer told me for the umpteenth time that they have no employees to wash cars on Saturdays, which is very smart, given the fact that their service department is busiest on Saturdays and they so generously promise a FREE car-wash along with servicing which costs only about 400$.
I have paid for car wash only two times in the 5 and a 1/2 years I have owned a car - once because my in-laws were coming over for the first time, and once because the washers were young, aptly dressed, insistent....and extremely HOT. Each time, it had cost me in excess of 15$, plus tips, an alien and very confusing concept for a stingy cheap Indian guy. The gas station had three choices: Express - 3.99, Delux - 4.99 and Premium - 5.99. I went for Premium, that was a no-brainer. This was cheap, even by my measly standards. I asked this Hispanic dude with a really thick Hispanic accent behind the counter for directions to the carwash entrance, and what to do when I get there to and got back this crazy look which says, 'You ignorant illegal immigrant!!!'.
So I went to the car-wash entrance armed with my 5-digit code. The set-up looked innocent enough - a super-sized garage open on both ends with red mopper-like things hanging on two walls facing each other in the center. I also made an intelligent guess that there would be hoses sparaying cleaning liqiuds and water once we got started. The instructions were simple enough - enter the code at the gate and drive in. You will know what to do next. What should have made me a little suspicious were the traffic lights at the exit end of this setup blinking red. Why? Would a dish-antenna on the head of a grass-eating cow make you suspicious? What were traffic lights doing in a setup to clean cars?
So I punched in the code, the lights turned green to say 'Welcome car-wash virgin. The first time is the best; you never forget'. By this time there is another car behind me, and this car was ALREADY CLEAN. So I figured out that the driver dude is a regular. So I begin to act all cool, you know like, Indian dude cool - throw your head back, hum a tune from some Bollywood song, open the first few buttons of your shirt to show off some body hair, roll down the driver window and have the 'one hand on window sill, one hand on steering wheel' pose.
I saunter into the carwash setup and get hit by a blast of cold water. I was rapidly closing my window when the car hit something like a 4 feet speed breaker. I had the car floored, but all I heard was the engine complain and saw no forward motion. I began to freak out already. My car doesn't move. The view in front is also beginning to get spooky. Sprays of who knows what are beginning to shoot up at all crazy angles like tiny explosions, and the whole setup is beginning to appear hazy and misty and blurred. And the lights are blinking green meaning I have more ground to cover, and now there is a beeping sounds which says, 'I cannot believe it takes you 17 minutes to travel 7 feet - dumbass'.
So I get out of the car to see what is obstructing me, and see this TINY 3 inch high metal hump which marks the beginning of the car-wash contraption. The dude behind me is having trouble keeping a straight face by now. He is talking into his cellphone and sniggering. So I get back in, thoroughly pissed at the Honda Civic I just spent 400$ on, and try again. With a 23 second pause and a groan that reminded me of a dying grandmother in a bad Bollywood movie, my car finally made it over the hump and into the car-wash gadget. The lights turned red to indicate that I needed to stop now.
Suddenly it became eerily quiet and dark. The air smelled different, musty and oily. And then with a jolt - the walls started moving back and forth, and blasts of liquids in various states of turbulent motion came screaming at me from all directions . I had just done my crouching and flinching and cursing when the car began to shake and vibrate crazily. I fastened my seat-belt and grabbed the steering-wheel tightly. By this time I was pretty sure that the next act would be to eject me through the roof. Then, as abruptly as everything had started, everything stopped, all at once. No shaking, no blasts, all still and eerily quiet.
And then after this pregnant pause, just like those horror movies on TV, all hell broke loose. Moppers, which had looked so innocuous a few minutes ago, were now menacing and mean. They had changed into weird aliens with a million red limbs and exuding strange fluids and were attacking my car from both sides, trying to pry it open and get to me, and I had no idea why. I am sitting there thinking, I am just this software guy. I am not like this doctor who has a PhD in alien diseases, or this scientist who has an invention that can fix the vocal chords of aliens so that they can talk normally and even sing. So I closed my eyes, and began to pray.
I made a promise that if I get through this ordeal alive in one piece, I will never wash my car again. And lo and behold, everything stops, things brighten up for a moment, I start to hum a tune again. Just when I was going to start my engine back up, an immense red thing with million limbs comes thudding down onto my windscreen. It stops a feet from the glass, and shoots slimy greenish fluid towards me - looks like alien vomit. And I now notice that all my windows are slowly getting covered with this fluid, one drop at a time. I lock my doors, and sit still. I don't want to turn my head back, because all alien attacks usually come from there - Alien warfare strategy has a simple rule: Ass-attack is the best kind of attack.
I cant see a thing. And then my car starts getting violently hit from all sides again. I see these flashes of red and green and hear violent thuds that are tossing my car around as if it were a boat caught in a tsunami. And this part goes on forever. I cover my ears and sit in a fetal position and begin thinking about my wife and kid and parents and good friends. I start thinking about all the unfinished projects at work, and how I should have documented my code and written some wikis and checked-in code to the repository when I still had time. My laptop is also in the car ( I was on call) . Maybe that will survive this attack, and become crime scene evidence for some super investigator named J and dressed in black.
Sometime during the time when my brain was busy with these crazy thoughts, the aliens decided to let up. Maybe their time was up and they had failed to split my car open, which was their mission on earth. Everything was bright and rosy again; clear colorless water sprayed at my car, and was getting rid of the green gooey mess. I could see the skies; the tune came back again. The red light turned green again. I started to drive out very slowly and carefully, because I was not sure how well my car had been able to withstand all this pounding and shaking and ass-kicking.
All sci-fi and supernatural movies worth their salt have a 30 second piece in the end that leaves room for a sequel to kick-in - an evil eye, a hand shooting out of the grave, a baby alien crouching under the sofa, a pet cat with the ghost's eyes. The same happened here too. Just when I thought I was out of this nightmare, the car hit something like a 4 feet speed-breaker and stopped. Lots of crazy alarms started blaring all around me, and I was hit by hot winds with the strength of a gale. My car started tossing again, and a huge timer infront of me started counting down from 30. Was this the end? Was I going to explode once the timer hits 0?
The timer winded its way down. I started counting my last seconds. I closed my eyes at 2 and kept them closed. When everything fell silent again, I opened my eyes and ogled to make sure I see so people with wings or in white robes, or no caves with cauldrons of hot oil where humans were being fried. Hallelujah!!!! I was safe. There was just this flashing sign that was saying, 'Move out dumb-ass. That's all the entertainment you get for 6$'.
I have paid for car wash only two times in the 5 and a 1/2 years I have owned a car - once because my in-laws were coming over for the first time, and once because the washers were young, aptly dressed, insistent....and extremely HOT. Each time, it had cost me in excess of 15$, plus tips, an alien and very confusing concept for a stingy cheap Indian guy. The gas station had three choices: Express - 3.99, Delux - 4.99 and Premium - 5.99. I went for Premium, that was a no-brainer. This was cheap, even by my measly standards. I asked this Hispanic dude with a really thick Hispanic accent behind the counter for directions to the carwash entrance, and what to do when I get there to and got back this crazy look which says, 'You ignorant illegal immigrant!!!'.
So I went to the car-wash entrance armed with my 5-digit code. The set-up looked innocent enough - a super-sized garage open on both ends with red mopper-like things hanging on two walls facing each other in the center. I also made an intelligent guess that there would be hoses sparaying cleaning liqiuds and water once we got started. The instructions were simple enough - enter the code at the gate and drive in. You will know what to do next. What should have made me a little suspicious were the traffic lights at the exit end of this setup blinking red. Why? Would a dish-antenna on the head of a grass-eating cow make you suspicious? What were traffic lights doing in a setup to clean cars?
So I punched in the code, the lights turned green to say 'Welcome car-wash virgin. The first time is the best; you never forget'. By this time there is another car behind me, and this car was ALREADY CLEAN. So I figured out that the driver dude is a regular. So I begin to act all cool, you know like, Indian dude cool - throw your head back, hum a tune from some Bollywood song, open the first few buttons of your shirt to show off some body hair, roll down the driver window and have the 'one hand on window sill, one hand on steering wheel' pose.
I saunter into the carwash setup and get hit by a blast of cold water. I was rapidly closing my window when the car hit something like a 4 feet speed breaker. I had the car floored, but all I heard was the engine complain and saw no forward motion. I began to freak out already. My car doesn't move. The view in front is also beginning to get spooky. Sprays of who knows what are beginning to shoot up at all crazy angles like tiny explosions, and the whole setup is beginning to appear hazy and misty and blurred. And the lights are blinking green meaning I have more ground to cover, and now there is a beeping sounds which says, 'I cannot believe it takes you 17 minutes to travel 7 feet - dumbass'.
So I get out of the car to see what is obstructing me, and see this TINY 3 inch high metal hump which marks the beginning of the car-wash contraption. The dude behind me is having trouble keeping a straight face by now. He is talking into his cellphone and sniggering. So I get back in, thoroughly pissed at the Honda Civic I just spent 400$ on, and try again. With a 23 second pause and a groan that reminded me of a dying grandmother in a bad Bollywood movie, my car finally made it over the hump and into the car-wash gadget. The lights turned red to indicate that I needed to stop now.
Suddenly it became eerily quiet and dark. The air smelled different, musty and oily. And then with a jolt - the walls started moving back and forth, and blasts of liquids in various states of turbulent motion came screaming at me from all directions . I had just done my crouching and flinching and cursing when the car began to shake and vibrate crazily. I fastened my seat-belt and grabbed the steering-wheel tightly. By this time I was pretty sure that the next act would be to eject me through the roof. Then, as abruptly as everything had started, everything stopped, all at once. No shaking, no blasts, all still and eerily quiet.
And then after this pregnant pause, just like those horror movies on TV, all hell broke loose. Moppers, which had looked so innocuous a few minutes ago, were now menacing and mean. They had changed into weird aliens with a million red limbs and exuding strange fluids and were attacking my car from both sides, trying to pry it open and get to me, and I had no idea why. I am sitting there thinking, I am just this software guy. I am not like this doctor who has a PhD in alien diseases, or this scientist who has an invention that can fix the vocal chords of aliens so that they can talk normally and even sing. So I closed my eyes, and began to pray.
I made a promise that if I get through this ordeal alive in one piece, I will never wash my car again. And lo and behold, everything stops, things brighten up for a moment, I start to hum a tune again. Just when I was going to start my engine back up, an immense red thing with million limbs comes thudding down onto my windscreen. It stops a feet from the glass, and shoots slimy greenish fluid towards me - looks like alien vomit. And I now notice that all my windows are slowly getting covered with this fluid, one drop at a time. I lock my doors, and sit still. I don't want to turn my head back, because all alien attacks usually come from there - Alien warfare strategy has a simple rule: Ass-attack is the best kind of attack.
I cant see a thing. And then my car starts getting violently hit from all sides again. I see these flashes of red and green and hear violent thuds that are tossing my car around as if it were a boat caught in a tsunami. And this part goes on forever. I cover my ears and sit in a fetal position and begin thinking about my wife and kid and parents and good friends. I start thinking about all the unfinished projects at work, and how I should have documented my code and written some wikis and checked-in code to the repository when I still had time. My laptop is also in the car ( I was on call) . Maybe that will survive this attack, and become crime scene evidence for some super investigator named J and dressed in black.
Sometime during the time when my brain was busy with these crazy thoughts, the aliens decided to let up. Maybe their time was up and they had failed to split my car open, which was their mission on earth. Everything was bright and rosy again; clear colorless water sprayed at my car, and was getting rid of the green gooey mess. I could see the skies; the tune came back again. The red light turned green again. I started to drive out very slowly and carefully, because I was not sure how well my car had been able to withstand all this pounding and shaking and ass-kicking.
All sci-fi and supernatural movies worth their salt have a 30 second piece in the end that leaves room for a sequel to kick-in - an evil eye, a hand shooting out of the grave, a baby alien crouching under the sofa, a pet cat with the ghost's eyes. The same happened here too. Just when I thought I was out of this nightmare, the car hit something like a 4 feet speed-breaker and stopped. Lots of crazy alarms started blaring all around me, and I was hit by hot winds with the strength of a gale. My car started tossing again, and a huge timer infront of me started counting down from 30. Was this the end? Was I going to explode once the timer hits 0?
The timer winded its way down. I started counting my last seconds. I closed my eyes at 2 and kept them closed. When everything fell silent again, I opened my eyes and ogled to make sure I see so people with wings or in white robes, or no caves with cauldrons of hot oil where humans were being fried. Hallelujah!!!! I was safe. There was just this flashing sign that was saying, 'Move out dumb-ass. That's all the entertainment you get for 6$'.
