This past weekend I learnt a huge lesson in conflict resolution -
never tell a guy he is wrong when he is mad, especially if you know that the
best result of the conflict is a resolution and not justice or decision.
People close to me
tell me that I am one who is always ready to pick a fight, and one who will go
to a significant extent to justify that he is right. Well, maybe that is true.
Maybe at some subconscious level, it is basic human nature. No one likes to admit
they are wrong when they are convinced that they are not, and only the most
level-headed people can see the big picture when they are in the middle of a
conflict.
Well, this time, I
didn't pick a fight. I was not right, nor wrong, and I did not justify my
stand. However, I was in a position to resolve the conflict because that was
the best possible outcome. And I failed there, because instead of appeasing the
warring parties, I pointed out that one of them were wrong. All then everything
went haywire. It doesn't matter, in retrospect, that one party was wrong. The ultimate
victims of this conflict did not deserve to be the victims – innocent seven and
eight year olds trying to play a soccer game. The whole thing seems so comical
and silly now, that probably all the involved parties, as well as the
spectators, are as guilt-ridden about the outcome as I am.
Here is how the
drama unfolded. It was the 3rd quarter of a U-8 boys soccer game, middle of
third quarter, my son's team - The Terminators - trailing by 4 goals to The
Scorpions, one more quarter to go after this. I was the referee for this
quarter, and was trying my best to be neutral. We got a goal kick, and one of
the kids kicked off. Just before that goal kick, when the ball was still out of
bounds, I noticed that one of the Scorpions had their laces undone. I walked up
to him and told him to do his laces. I didn't look back to see if he did or
not. As it turned out later, he didn't. The goal kick was taken and the play
was on, the kids scrapping for the ball. About 30 seconds into the play, I hear
the coaches of the two teams yelling at each other, from the opposite sidelines
across the field, the Terminators' coach telling the Scorpions' to relax and
enjoy the game and not make it a battle, or something to that effect. And then
the Scorpions' coach blew a whistle from the sidelines and the game stopped.
The kids on the ground are coached to respond to the whistle (Pavlovian as it
may sound) but they are not rule-savvy enough to know whose whistle they should
respond to. So everyone stopped playing. The Terminators coach was pointing out
heatedly that the Scorpion's coach should wait for the play to be over, and
should not interrupt the game or yell at the referee, which apparently they
were doing. The Scorpions, in turn, explained to me that they were trying to
get my attention so that the Scorpions player could do his laces, hence the
yelling, and then the whistle.
I was focused on
getting the game going as quickly as possible. So I let the Scorpions' player
do his laces, with the help of a helpful parent, and then asked for the play to
be started at the goal kick. With that out of the way, I asked the players to
restart the play at the goal kick. I still cannot fathom what the problem with
that decision was, since I was sacrificing at least 15 yards advantage for the
Terminators and restarting the play at their goal, but my decision provoked the
Scorpions' coach enough to out to the Terminators' coach saying that the
referee's decision was a clear sign of frustration and that he should tell the
referee to relax a bit. The Terminator's coach responded with something I did
not hear clearly and cannot reconstruct now.
This is where I
committed by first mistake. I should have realized that the guy was clearly
agitated, and was just trying to get into a verbal volley to justify his
disruptive move and save face, or he just believed that he did the right thing
by stopping the game for his player to do his laces. I should have ignored his
jibe and concentrated on the game. What I did however was I told the Scorpions'
coach that he was wrong in interrupting the game and that he should have either
done it before the play started, or after that play was over and the ball was
out of bounds. I did not get mad, I did not yell. I just did what I thought a
referee should be explaining to coaches on the sidelines that disrupted the
game. I did it in a clear, authoritative voice, like I have seen referees in
international games do in such a situation. It felt right at that time, and was
clearly proved wrong by the outcome. This was neither an international game,
nor was I a qualified international referee. Nor was the coach an international
coach, and neither he nor the team was required to adhere to any FIFA rules. So
he called his team off, and decided not to play anymore.
This is where I
committed by second mistake. I should have, in retrospect, walked to the
Scorpions' coach and requested him to not withdraw from the game, because it
was not about the ego of the grown-ups, it was about the kids who deserved the
game, and the parents who adjust their busy schedules to bring the kids to the
games. However, what I did was - nothing. I did nothing at all. Having seen my
first interference in the conflict resulting in a disaster, I stayed quiet and
let the events take their course. Everybody walked off, the parents and coach
in our team telling their kids that it was not their fault, and they will have
a great game next Saturday. I did not see what was going on in the Scorpions'
camp, but I imagine it would have been a very similar scene.
Who suffered? The
people involved in the verbal battle, for sure, are feeling guilty now, or will
feel guilty as soon as their anger subsides. I am feeling and acting all
guilty, at having been part of a charade that robbed small kids of a soccer
game. The kids suffered the most, having seen their parents act like pouting
toddlers and having to go home unsatisfied and unfulfilled and confused.
And so, the lesson
I learned - if you want a quick resolution to a conflict, do not tell a guy he
is wrong when he is mad, even if he is wrong. Let his anger play out, humor
him, and he will see things more clearly when his anger subsides. I will try to
keep this in mind for all conflict situations going forward, and maybe I will
get to write another story where I succeed in resolving a conflict using this
approach.
